Blind Logic

I was tired. Tired of being let down. Tired of still being connected. Tired of having to make those first moves that you wouldn’t fucking make. Tired of having to do shit I don’t want to do. Tired of having put myself out there with you only to be disappointed. Tired of the chances given and the willingness to give more. Tired of being scared to let go. Tired of you caring but not being able to do anything about it. Tired of not understanding. Tired of wishing I could just do it all over. Tired of caring the way I do. Just tired.

i fucked shit up today. and when i fuck it up, i tear it down. my words got the best of me. i let my feelings take over. i went down kicking and screaming. not my best or proudest moment at all. everything i’m not was everything i was today. grade A asshole. but alas, i made this bed… i’m eating these words, every bit of bad they were. so here i go, praying for my better days. praying to some spirit or being or holy something or other because that’s all that’s left to do. praying in the most non religious but more so spiritual way, for guidance back to the right path. this is not who i am. i’m a stand up woman. telling myself this because i need to hear it, i need to believe it.

i had to go low because i wasn’t finding peace in the middle. i needed to bring out the worst in me so i could remember the best of me. you don’t have that. it still belongs to me. i just forgot that. and no, i’m not getting what i want, i haven’t been for awhile now. its been sitting in me, festering, waiting to explode. and you hit back, hard. and i needed to see that. i needed to see what i never want to be apart of, to remember what i always deserved. and you needed to see me at my worst, so you could know that i’m not perfect. there has always been to much pressure there. i never was perfect. i might have been damn good, but never perfect. and i hope you don’t resent me for that. but now the damage has definitely been done. so, i’ll just eat my words, and swallow them down…

i will fuck shit up. i will deal with my consequences. i will exert this energy positively and negatively because i can. i will make moves that are completely thought through, good or bad. and i won’t apologize because it had to be done.

good, i’m glad. it’s about time you put your money where your mouth is.

no was always a part of your vocabulary. you’ve pushed me away. you’ve denied me before. nothings new, nothings changed. 

feeling completely destructive. I mean absolutely ready to FUCK SHIT UP. I MUST exert my negative energy towards something positive today. I will thoroughly enjoy getting this haircut later. Nothing like shedding some of that old shit and making room for something new. 

It wasn’t an accident… you knew what you were doing. I called you’re bluff and you couldn’t back it up. nothing’s changed…