Blind Logic

So what’s left when the dust settles? Battle scars? Pieces of a broken heart? Ashes? Or maybe the rebirth of a phoenix waiting to rise? Still to cloudy, you can’t call it. But you know you’re not dead yet. Shit, this hurts to bad you can’t be dead yet. Slightly paralyzed. Maybe this is what it felt like when you first fell. Maybe it was an amazing battle fought but you were way to gone, doped up on adrenaline to know the difference. You thought it was a beautiful dance. It felt good. It felt too good for you to give any fucks about the outcome. Or maybe this is what it feels like to play russian roulette and lose. Kept chasing that adrenaline, that high. Looking for that feeling like an addict, heart racing, eyes wide, that excitement, feeling invincible. You put it all on the line each time you went out and pulled the trigger. Bang… But shit, this time you took it to far and now what’s left? Fuck. Heart matter sprayed all over the floor.

I know that feeling. I know it well. Trapped, feeling like your suffocating. You start to hate that person. Everything they do just becomes an annoyance for no particular reason. Maybe you feel like you’re sinking. And now you question why are you afraid of the good shit in life. But the thing is you’re not afraid of the good shit in life, you just don’t want the good shit in life w/that person. Its all good, I’ve been there before. You just can’t stay where you don’t fit anymore. You tried to make it fit and maybe it fit for awhile, but it was a temporary fix. I’ve been here before, I know it well.

I was running to save a woman who was very important to me. I was running faster than I ever could but strangely my running was so off balance. My legs were moving faster than my body could actually keep up with. Like when you play a new video game and you don’t know the capabilities of the character or controls so there’s some crash and burn. I was new to this running and people on the street were looking at me like I had three heads. Running to save her. And when I got there, I tried to explain to her offenders, who happened to be her parents, that she didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I tried to reason with them, with her, but all for nothing because their presence was too strong. I tried to protect her but I couldn’t. It wasn’t my battle, even if I was prepared to fight it. There’s no solace in these dreams because then I wake up to my reality. I can’t save ‘em if they won’t let me.

How’s that saying go? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me….

Louie didn’t make it. They found him dead and think he was hit by a car. Poor dog, what a rough end. My heart goes out to my sister and brother in law, they really loved the dog even if they just got it. This is a very sad day.

I feel so terrible. My sister just got another dog the two days ago and he’s gone missing. Tonight while she was walking Louie (the newest addition) and Lola around her apartment complex, another dog comes from out of nowhere and proceeds to attack them. Louie got so frightened he wiggled out of his collar and has been on the run since. My mom and I went over to help search, but the apartment complex is sooo huge and the surrounding area is very busy. I just hope he’s ok out there and that someone will turn him in to animal control. My sister is devastated and so his her fiance. They really love that dog. I also feel bad for Lola, she took to Louie so quickly. I’m hoping for the best. 

here he is snuggled with my nephew. what a good boy.

genderfuckher:

beautifullyflawed:

You are stuggling…
I see it,
I feel it,
I hurt for you.
But I must tell you, dear friend,
I believe with all my heart
that you will emerge
somehow wiser, stronger,
and more aware.
Hold on to that thought,
tuck it away in a
corner of your heart
until the hurt melts enough
for the learning to have meaning.
~~author Unknown

I needed to read this….

And if you called and told me you needed something, I’d be there. Silly me. At the drop of a dime, I’d be there. It’s a gift and a curse.

I was selfish today. Not the good selfish when you do something that’s beneficial for you but the bad kind where you just make matters worse for yourself. I’m ashamed of myself. I felt the ties on my hands growing tighter and tighter. The stronger it grew the harder I fought. I’m helpless, a feeling I’m familiar with. I hate it. I’m a protector/provider, I don’t know how to relinquish this power, I’m almost a slave to it. I need to be there but I can’t be. Too many mixed emotions, trying to be strong and at the same time breaking down. The harder I fight it the harder it begins to fall. I don’t know what the future holds I just hope these paths cross and eventually run together. My heart is missing a beat tonight.